Loving the difficult child
There are times when it can be a real challenge.
Once in a while, one of my kids fall into a funk, a period of negativity and difficult behavior which makes parenting a real challenge. When this happens, not only do I feel sorrow for my child, but I also feel discouraged and inadequate. And yet, I know that this experience is almost a universal one among parents.
Perhaps it's a hyper-sensitive child who whines and cries over the smallest vexations. Perhaps it’s a strong-willed child who fights you tooth and nail whenever you tell him to do something. Perhaps it's that hormonal middle schooler, who has suddenly become moody, disrespectful, and ultra-critical. Or perhaps it’s a child whose health issues makes her irritable and crabby.
Whatever the situation, although you know deep-down that you love this child, there are times when it can be a real challenge to be patient and loving. So what can we do?
Don’t take it personally
First, let's not take our children's behavior personally. Often it will seem like a child’s angry or scornful behavior is directed right at you. But the reality is that since you're the mom, your child knows you love him unconditionally. Therefore he has no inhibitions when it comes to expressing his feelings around you. This does not mean your child should be allowed to treat you with disrespect.
We need to be consistent about commanding and demanding respect from our children. Otherwise they will treat us like rugs — things to be trodden upon without care. However, it is good to remember that, in most cases, it is the moms who bear the brunt of their children's bad behavior. It's not just you. It's a part of motherhood. Without losing sensitivity to the feelings of others, we need to grow thick skins, an objectivity that will protect us from the thorns our children fling at us.
Try to understand
Second, before we judge, let's try to be understanding. When a child continually acts up or fails to meet our expectations, it's easy to think, "Oh, you're just lazy, stubborn, selfish, etc." It's easy to attribute the poor behavior to a vice which needs to be corrected. Sometimes this is the case. However, it is often better to try to understand the matter from the child's point of view and to let your child see that you are trying to understand their perspective. I think it's always a good idea to do this before making any corrections or taking disciplinary action: I know you're angry. I would be mad, too, if Smarty-Pants called me a dum-dum. But that's no excuse for dumping your spaghetti on his head....
A child who senses that you are always judging her often becomes withdrawn, resentful, or defensive. A child who sees that you are at least trying to understand her point of view, even if you don't agree with her, will be more receptive to a peaceful resolution.
I know this is hard and time-consuming, as some children will always insist they are right, will always point the finger and pass the blame. Nonetheless, over a long period of time (years) this approach of trying to understand before judging will pay off. For then you are modeling patience, justice, and sensitivity to the feelings of others. Even more, your child will know that you are not making quick judgments and that you are trying to be fair. So, avoid rash judgments and long lectures. Rather, give your child an opportunity to express his point of view, encouraging him to speak as calmly as possible.
Behind bad behavior, unhappiness
Third, when a child's poor behavior extends for a long time, be aware that your child is not happy with himself. His behavior is not only upsetting to you. Often, such behavior agitates siblings who, provoked or frustrated, retaliate with little understanding and patience. Siblings, especially younger ones, can be very blunt, easily wounding a child who is already hurting. Just the other day, 5-year old Princess said to her brother Feisty, "I don't like you anymore. I like All-Star, but I don't like you." Later that day, I found Feisty sobbing into his pillow. "Nobody likes me," he cried. It would have been easy to remind him of all the annoying behaviors that elicited Princess' response. But a list of faults and failures will not motivate a child.
Rather, these children need to be reminded of their inherent goodness. We need to be remind them of their natural virtues and encourage our children to build upon them: Feisty, I know you feel as if no one likes you, but it's not true. Princess was just mad. She really didn't mean what she said. You're a great kid, Feisty. You're generous, thoughtful, and a ton of fun. Princess loves playing with you. I bet if you apologized, she'd forget that she was ever mad at you.
When a child's problematic behavior extends for a long time, he's not happy about it and he doesn't know how he will overcome it. Even worse, it may feel as if you are always correcting him, always disciplining with negative feedback. To avoid discouragement, we need to give our children lots of encouragement, hope, and support. Telling funny stories of how naughty you were as a child or how you and your siblings/friends used to fight can be very encouraging. At the least, such stories can distract a child from his own self disparagement.
And then, help your child to make peace with his siblings when he rubs them the wrong way. Developing new hobbies and interests can be another way for a child to take his mind off his troubles. Whatever you do, you need to express confidence that your child will overcome this present period of difficulty, and you need to reassure him that he is not alone; you are there to help.
It is also helpful to remind your other children that the one sibling is going through a tough time and needs extra patience and understanding. Remind them that we all go through peaks and valleys. This can then become be a time for siblings to grow in compassion and charity, as they struggle to put up with the one who is going through a difficult time.
They still need boundaries
Fourth, while we try to be understanding and encouraging, we also need to maintain firm boundaries. Health issues, hormonal mood swings, difficult temperaments, often make it hard for a child to stay within the boundaries of acceptable behavior. But that doesn't mean we get rid of them altogether. Out of justice and in order to maintain some semblance of peace in the home, children who are going through a challenging period need firm boundaries. This is especially true when it comes to matters of safety, respect for parents, and charity towards siblings.
So when a child crosses the line, let's be consistent about correcting his behavior. Unfortunately, simple warnings or verbal corrections will often not suffice. We will need to back up our words with gentle but firm actions and consequences.
Spend some quality time with him
Fifth, a prolonged period of behavioral problems can put a lot of strain on your relationship with your child. So it's helpful to spend quality one-on-one time with the child just having fun together. Go on a special outing or take a walk in the park together. Find something your child really likes to do and do it with him. This is a time of relationship building and letting your child shine. It's not a time to give a lecture or discuss behavior problems. It's a chance to affirm your child and let him know how much you love him and enjoy his company. It's also an opportunity to give your child a break from peers and siblings who often aggravate him.
Give yourself a break
Sixth, difficult children are emotionally exhausting. So, give yourself a break, especially if you're with the child all day long. During one of my kids' funks, which was caused by a health issue, I was stressed. But I didn't realize how badly I needed a break until I had to have a 3-hour blood test. Even though I had to have blood drawn four times during the three hours, sitting in the lab by myself without any kids was actually enjoyable. Pretty pathetic definition of fun. But I really relished the break.
When a child is constantly giving you a hard time, it's normal to feel angry, resentful, or frustrated. You need to have breathing space: a chance to clear your mind, pull yourself together, and rejuvenate. So have a date with your husband, or spend time alone in a fresh environment. Household chores and other responsibilities can wait (don't worry, they won't go anywhere). You will draw strength from a change of pace and scenery.
It won’t last forever
Seventh, Remember that this won't last forever. As I stated earlier, we all go through peaks and valleys. Sometimes a child's behavior improves, other times it regresses. Hoping and knowing that such difficult phases will pass, we may need to adjust our expectations for a time, but only for a time. Spring always follows winter, and we can always hope that the current trial will lead to a new growth in virtue and maturity. This is something I have seen with my own children.
Finally, let's remember that the family is a school of love, especially love which is an act of the will rather than a sentimental feeling. These difficult times are opportunity to grow in patience, understanding, self-control, humility, and above all, love.
Mary Cooney is a home-schooling mother of five who lives in Maryland. Her new book, Evangelizing Our Children with Joy, is published by Scepter and available from Amazon as an e-book. Read about it here. The above article is adapted from one published on her blog, Mercy For Marthas.
After a day in which I checked my smartphone maybe 16 times, and would have done so more frequently had I not been at my laptop for a few hours, glancing at emails from time to time, I read Phillip Reed’s article on why he has never had a cellphone and is not going to get one. And I felt justly rebuked for my intemperance, although I know that it is mild compared with that of the average teenager or 20-something.
In his critique of today’s always-connected culture Reed, a philosopher, echoes a growing army of critics who say we are distracting ourselves to death – literally, in the case of people who text or even just talk while driving. Here’s a paragraph from his piece that shows how drastic the effects can be:
Long before cellphones, human beings were good at diverting themselves from disciplined attention. ‘The sole cause of man’s unhappiness,’ observed the French philosopher Blaise Pascal in the 17th century, ‘is that he does not know how to stay quietly in his room.’ This propensity for diversion was notably confirmed in a recent study where subjects preferred to give themselves electric shocks rather than occupy themselves with their own thoughts for 15 minutes.
Even if you have no intention of going cellphone free, Reed's arguments for doing so are good ones and worth reading.
Carolyn Moynihan
Deputy Editor,
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Loving the difficult child
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