PMP: What happens after the fight?

The diagnosis of PMP changed my life. The disease began with a kind of rigidness; I was operated, and had to fight because I wanted to live at all costs. Now, that a few months have gone by, what I have lived is beyond me. The stiffness continues. Life seems to have lost all meaning.

Written by vivanna, published about 1 month ago.

During a laparoscopy, I was diagnosed PMP. They pushed me to undergo all the operations and to continue a special chemotherapy in the abdominal cavity. Two long operations were required to eliminate everything that had to be removed: Basically the entire abdominal cavity, that is; spleen, gallbladder, much of the large intestine, ovaries and uterus.

During the entire time I was in hospital, I tried with all my might to get well. For me life was worthwhile, and I had to fight for it. I wanted to fulfill my dreams and reach my goals. After the operations, I had some complications, but I wanted to return to life no matter what. At first, my progress was very limited, but thanks to my willpower, I slowly got back to my routine. And so I continued ... .as it should be! I have never denied my illness; instead I have always pushed it to one side. I have tried in every way to keep my body healthy.

However, now that a few months have gone by since the diagnosis and operations, and I am fully back to my professional routine, I have the feeling of not knowing how to master my life. I get up like a robot to work every morning, and try to keep the world around me away from what I experienced. And suddenly it's as if all my emotions were gone - sometimes I don´t even recognize myself. I just have a huge void, I feel misunderstood and alone. Sometimes I wake up and I can’t understand what has really happened to me. I've stopped thinking about starting a family, and don’t even want to have a partner. My body is literally disfigured. At times, I just think about how long I have left to live. Day after day, I live with the fear that this cancerous disease will return because my body still doesn’t work completely well.

All the dreams I had during my stay in hospital are gone. The future and my prognosis (with which my doctors seem concerned) consume me. I have many questions that always remain unanswered. I don’t know what to do, and now that the holidays come around I feel sad.

Have any of you experienced something similar? It would help me every much to exchange views with someone.
Thanks a lot for your posts,
your vivanna

Written by vivanna, published about 1 month ago.